Today is my mother’s birthday, something that for me underscores the fact that my mother was entirely too young to die. Especially difficult to reconcile is the fact that she was in such severe physical and emotional pain, the physical pain stemming from her aliments, the emotional pain emanating from the loss of my father, her husband. My father was the center of my mother’s universe. My mother didn’t have any close friends and had only a couple of close family connections. Her connection and dependence to my father was such that it trumped any friendship, family connection, and sadly, relationship with her children. Propping up any human being above yourself, family, children and/or friends is never a good idea. We all need a sense of ourselves, along with our own sense of connection to people, talents, gifts and dreams that are unique to us and our space in the universe.
According to my aunt, my mother has always been introverted and somewhat hesitant to step outside of her self-imposed zone of comfort. In some ways, I have constructed a zone of comfort around myself that has halted any attempt and belief that I can break away from the limiting beliefs that have been passed down to me from various sources. However, I am no longer going to indulge in playing the “blame game” and instead am committed to taking active steps to forgive and change. I can no longer chain myself to the past and must rather find a way to forge ahead with the reality that my parents are no longer on this earth.
Despite all of our differences and squabbles, my mother was my mother and I respect and honor her as such. I deeply admire everything that both she and my father did for me and my brothers. In the end, my parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources that they had, realistically, this is all that any of us can expect of our parents and of any human being. I am sure that not a day will go by where I don’t think of both my mother and father. I will miss them and I hope that one day I will see them again.