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Chapter 2

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“What though the radiance that was once so bright, be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.”

William Wordsworth

Last week, my mother passed away. My mother and I have always had a complex and oftentimes volatile relationship. Her death came on the heels of one such volatile episode. Right now, the shock of her death has somewhat shielded me from the inevitable full- blown guilt that is sure to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am sure that my mind will do somersaults around all of the time wasted going toe to toe against all of the jabs my mother has thrown my way throughout the years. In my own space, I have asked my mother to forgive me for my role in the dysfunctional dance we were stuck in dancing all of these years. Somehow, someway, I hope that she has heard my pleas for forgiveness and that she is now at rest with my father.

Today is my mother’s birthday, something that for me underscores the fact that my mother was entirely too young to die. Especially difficult to reconcile is the fact that she was in such severe physical and emotional pain, the physical pain stemming from her aliments, the emotional pain emanating from the loss of my father, her husband. My father was the center of my mother’s universe. My mother didn’t have any close friends and had only a couple of close family connections. Her connection and dependence to my father was such that it trumped any friendship, family connection, and sadly, relationship with her children. Propping up any human being above yourself, family, children and/or friends is never a good idea. We all need a sense of ourselves, along with our own sense of connection to people, talents, gifts and dreams that are unique to us and our space in the universe.

According to my aunt, my mother has always been introverted and somewhat hesitant to step outside of her self-imposed zone of comfort. In some ways, I have constructed a zone of comfort around myself that has halted any attempt and belief that I can break away from the limiting beliefs that have been passed down to me from various sources. However, I am no longer going to indulge in playing the “blame game” and instead am committed to taking active steps to forgive and change. I can no longer chain myself to the past and must rather find a way to forge ahead with the reality that my parents are no longer on this earth.

Despite all of our differences and squabbles, my mother was my mother and I respect and honor her as such. I deeply admire everything that both she and my father did for me and my brothers. In the end, my parents did the best they could with the knowledge and resources that they had, realistically, this is all that any of us can expect of our parents and of any human being. I am sure that not a day will go by where I don’t think of both my mother and father. I will miss them and I hope that one day I will see them again.

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About musingsnyc

I'm a self-professed iOS app addict who loves reading, writing, surfing the Internet and my hometown, New York City. In 2000, I graduated from the City University of New York, Hunter College, with a degree in English (writing concentration) and Political Science. In August 2009, I received an online MBA degree with a specialization in Public Administration from the University of Phoenix. For the past 8 years, I've worked as a Paralegal in the Immigration Law Unit of one of the largest not for profit law firms in New York City. Prior to my work as a Paralegal, I worked as a Traffic Coordinator and Assistant Account Executive in a New York City based Hispanic advertising agency. Throughout all of my different work and school experiences the one constant has been my love of writing. As long as I can remember, I have been jotting words down in notebooks, pieces of scrap paper, and just about any surface where ink would not dissolve. I have always been eager to share my thoughts and opinions about what is going on in the world and my personal life via writing. It would be a dream come true if I could channel my love and passion for writing into a full-time or freelance opportunity. My goal is to share my thoughts, opinions, life experiences in a thought- provoking and entertaining way with all that drop by. I love interacting with people and thus would love and greatly appreciate all feedback via the comments section of this blog.

One response »

  1. wow! had no idea your Mom passed away this year. Amazing that you are taking such sturdy steps toward healing & embracing the possibility of forgiveness (((hugs)))

    Reply

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