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A Drop in the Bucket

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Do you have a bucket list? For those who may not know, a “bucket list” is composed of the things/events you personally want to experience before kicking the bucket (A.K.A. dying). On Sunday, I fulfilled one of the items on my list, learning how to ride a bike. Growing up, I never had the opportunity to learn how to ride a bike.  While everyone around me, including my brothers, seemed to pick up the art of bike riding, I stayed on the sidelines, rationalizing that it was too late, and too embarrassing, to learn how to ride a bike. Eventually, my desire to hop on a bike and fly were tempered by these concerns. For far too long of a time, I was content with keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground.

With my ever increasing objective to make fitness an integral part of my life, I longed to be able to do something outside of the gym, something that would allow me to enjoy bright, breezy days. And thus the call of the bike came back with a vengeance. A quick Google search led me to Bike ride NYC, which to my complete joy offered a free “Learn how to ride a bike” for adults class. After a  few minutes of my ego trying to bully me into believing that learning to ride a bike at my age is akin to having the word loser tattooed on my forehead, I clicked on register and did not look back.

The sensation of, first, learning how to balance, then eventually, pedaling without hurting myself or others (couple of close calls but nothing serious) was fantastic! Riding a bike felt better than I had ever imagined!  Each pedal stroke felt as if I were delving further into a different plane of existence where it was just me, the pedals, and the breeze, feeling as free as I have ever felt in my life. In the midst of this liberation and joy, I thought of my mother, of the prison of fear she had locked herself in for so many years before and after my birth. Had she ever had the chance to feel as free as I did today? If so, when and what in her let that go? Ironically, it took  my feet being above the ground to be able to walk in mothers shoes. Perhaps for the first time, deep in my soul, I felt sorry for the woman whose life was defined by so many limiting, destructive, and negative thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Afraid to strike out, like so many people (myself included), my mother preferred to stay comfortably numb and holed up in a world that did not honor who she was created to be in this world.

It was out fear and of not knowing any better that mother acted and reacted to me the way that she did so many times. Little doubt exists that the negative and hurtful thoughts and actions that were hurled onto my mother in her childhood formed the foundation of our relationship. Left unchecked and untreated, negativity, hurt, and fear get the opportunity to grow and get be passed down from generation to generation. Not willing to carry on the residue of negativity and fear that consumed mother (and to a lesser extent, my father), I am working like nobody’s business to start from point A, drowning out the lies that have plagued me, hopefully picking up more nuggets of compassion and forgiveness along the way.

Perhaps it is foolish, but I’d like to think that each time I ride a bike, my mother will not be too far behind. I’d like to believe that for a brief moment in time, somehow, my mother is allowed to feel the joy of  riding a bike.


About musingsnyc

I'm a self-professed iOS app addict who loves reading, writing, surfing the Internet and my hometown, New York City. In 2000, I graduated from the City University of New York, Hunter College, with a degree in English (writing concentration) and Political Science. In August 2009, I received an online MBA degree with a specialization in Public Administration from the University of Phoenix. For the past 8 years, I've worked as a Paralegal in the Immigration Law Unit of one of the largest not for profit law firms in New York City. Prior to my work as a Paralegal, I worked as a Traffic Coordinator and Assistant Account Executive in a New York City based Hispanic advertising agency. Throughout all of my different work and school experiences the one constant has been my love of writing. As long as I can remember, I have been jotting words down in notebooks, pieces of scrap paper, and just about any surface where ink would not dissolve. I have always been eager to share my thoughts and opinions about what is going on in the world and my personal life via writing. It would be a dream come true if I could channel my love and passion for writing into a full-time or freelance opportunity. My goal is to share my thoughts, opinions, life experiences in a thought- provoking and entertaining way with all that drop by. I love interacting with people and thus would love and greatly appreciate all feedback via the comments section of this blog.

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